Imagine "When Harry Met Sally's" orgasmic diner scene with a pair of vibrating panties tossed in for "real" laughs.

Can't you just hear the hum of "Oh, yeahs!" from studio execs after hearing that "edgy" story pitch?

Well film fans, it doesn't stop there with "The Ugly Truth."

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Loaded with every plodding, predictable contrivance known to mankind, this new summer romantic comedy lays there at our feet like a partially-plucked songbird the cat just dragged in.

Inspired by the shock-jock musings of real-life dating expert Steve Santagati, "The Ugly Truth" tries to put a racier, modern spin on the age-old battle of the sexes.

Certainly with "300's" Gerard Butler at the helm and Katherine Heigl added in for some Barbie eye candy, chick-flick audiences will bite -- and buy tickets.

Who can blame them?

Think of Hollywood's great romantic couples -- the kind that turned "I loathe you" into "I love you" on the big screen and made us buy it. Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton in "The Taming of the Shrew," Katharine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy in "Pat and Mike," Doris Day and Rock Hudson in "Pillow Talk."

Seeing real sparks fly between a man and a woman is tantalizing stuff when done well.

Too bad Heigl and Butler didn't bone up on these classics before the cameras started filming this cliché fest.

Heigl plays Abby, the producer of a morning TV show in Sacramento that is bombing in the ratings.

To save the show and the station, Abby's boss adds a boorish dating guru (Butler) to the mix to boost their viewer numbers.

Known as late-night cable's rudest, crudest relationship expert, the unapologetic "bad boy" swaggers onto Abby's set and instantly turns his new segment, "The Ugly Truth," into a ratings bonanza.

The infuritated producer detests everything this overconfident macho pig-man represents.

"I know what men really want from women," he crows before her horrified face. "Babes wrestling in Jello. Tits, ass, short skirts, push-up bras."

Toss in some hair extensions to "give guys something to hold on to," says Mike and you've got the full scope of his relationship mantra.

Loathe him though she does, however, lovelorn Abby soon becomes a student of Master Mike.

The lout and the ladies

Tutored with every trick in the book that Mike knows, Abby morphs from priggish control freak to smoking hot sexpot. Her looks, her manner, her attitude...Mike overhauls all of it, helps Abby land Mr. Perfect and falls for the choosy producer along the way.

Surprised?

I didn't think so.

"The Ugly Truth" is not without its moments. Watching Butler's face as Abby deals with her vibrating panty situation at a very important client dinner is one of the best. You can practically hear the "What the f---s" bouncing around in Butler's bemused brain.

Butler also brings surprising likeability to ranting Neanderthal Mike, especially when he teaches his 11-year-old nephew to never treat a teenage girl cruelly.

"Be a man," he tells the kid. "But the stuff I say on TV is how you treat a 25-year-old woman, not a young girl."

We'll give this lout kudos at least for knowing the difference between a vulnerable teen and the fair game he chases. We'll also give him props for making us suspect that deep down Mike's "bad boy" philosophy has left him wiser but not 100 per cent happy.

Aside from these hidden compassionate depths and the amusing, on-air squabbling from married anchors John Michael Higgins and Cheryl Hines, "The Ugly Truth" bombards us with F-bombs and banalities instead of a breath of fresh air.

It's a sad, sad thing to be sure. Big box office romcoms like "Sex and the City" have clearly shown Hollywood that moviegoers want romantic capers. They want clever, meaningful, original stories that leave them rooting for a compelling heroine and the hunk of her dreams.

If only the makers of "The Ugly Truth" had thought of that instead of cashing in on Santagati's shock-jock shtick.

There's the kernel of an idea that could have worked, but "The Ugly Truth" bludgeons us over the head with every annoying hackneyed ploy Hollywood can muster.

If you're looking for a beguiling memory of love to carry with you long after a movie is over, you won't find it here.

Two stars out of four