The following is an excerpt from "Our Turn to Parent" by Barbara Dunn and Linda Scott.

You As Caregiver

We have talked about many of the issues you may encounter in caring for your parents. Now let's focus on you, the caregiver. You are managing many responsibilities, personally and probably professionally, and balancing the needs of many people. You may wonder where the time you used to have for yourself has gone. It's not uncommon to experience feelings of anger, guilt, frustration, stress, worry and doubt. You are making important decisions, dealing with family personalities, managing limited amounts of time, manoeuvreing through administrative red tape, taking care of your family and continuing to work. You are also trying to come to terms with the fact that your parents are in need and may be in pain, and may even be coming to the end of their lives.

If you are to be successful as a caregiver in safeguarding your parents' health, you must look after yourself mentally and physically. Strive for a balance between your role as a caregiver and the other roles in your life. In this chapter we'll talk about

• how being a caregiver develops your personal skills
• how the stress of caregiving can affect your health
• how good time management skills can help you and your family
• how to balance home, work and caregiving responsibilities
• support options through work and government assistance
• ways you can look after yourself
• the importance of fostering personal support systems
• the role of respite care.

Being the Caregiver

Being the caregiver for your aging parents requires not only your time but also the ability to develop new skills and draw on skills that you may already use in your job or family life. You need to be able to plan ahead, manage your time, and identify and assemble information to accomplish tasks. How much support you receive in your role as caregiver can greatly affect how you feel about the responsibilities. If you're getting practical assistance and emotional encouragement from family and/or the community, you will perceive your role as caregiver in a more positive way.

Your reasons for having taken on the role also affect the type of caregiver you are and how you will perceive the tasks you perform for your parents. For many of us our feelings of love for our parents and the knowledge that they sacrificed for us gives us a sense of responsibility for our parents. We make the choice, even if unconsciously in the early stages, because of everything we feel our parents have given us throughout our lives. But some adult children do not have a strong relationship with their parents and do the caregiving out of a sense of guilt and obligation. Regardless of your reason for taking on this important task, you need to look after yourself in order to care for your parents.

Dealing with Stress

We encounter varying degrees of stress throughout our lives, and being able to identify it is the start to understanding what we need to do to get through it. Stress is not only mentally draining but can result in physical symptoms as well, manifesting itself as headache, upset stomach, disrupted sleep, anger at others, confusion and anxiety. Stress can also make it harder for you to fight off disease, because it lowers your immune system. And it can drain your energy. Whether the tasks you face are small, like picking up a prescription for your parents during a hectic day, or large, like previewing long-term care facilities, as a caregiver you should learn to identify the signs of stress.

Self-awareness is important. Trust yourself and your abilities. Know yourself and your reactions so that you can recognize when you are reaching your limit. Acknowledge the feelings that you are having as you look after your parents. Don't put off making decisions as this can increase stress. And don't put off doing tasks, as they will be on your mind until they are completed. Delegate tasks to others whenever possible but especially when you need to take a break. Use your time management skills to balance the responsibilities of caregiving with the responsibilities of your life.

Time Management

Good time management skills will help reduce stress and allow you to find some time for yourself.

Realistically, there will be times when your parents will require urgent attention and their needs cannot be dictated by a schedule. Sometimes you will feel there is not enough time in the day to get your parents everything they need. Or you will feel that things seem not to move fast enough. Recognizing that you can't always control your time can help reduce stress.

TIME MANAGEMENT TIPS

• Keep a calendar that combines your appointments with those of your parents.
• Maintain a to-do list and prioritize items.
• Streamline your finances. Pay bills by automatic withdrawal or use online banking.
• Hold regular meetings of the immediate family to delegate tasks.
• Combine errands to save time.
• Designate a family communication centre, where you keep phone messages, the family calendar and special instructions.
• Be clear with instructions and leave written notes if required.
• Create a list of days and times when extended family are available to help, so that you can schedule tasks for them too.
• Develop effective communication systems within your extended family (e.g., a phone tree, group e-mails).
• Prepare for each day the night before (lay out clothes, gather paperwork, know the day's schedule).
• Book time for yourself in order to avoid burnout and to give yourself something to look forward to.

Balancing Caregiving and Your Home Life

When you take on the responsibility of being a caregiver for your parents, you do not give up all the other responsibilities in your life. Trying to balance caregiving for aging parents with family and home obligations can be a significant cause of stress. When you overextend yourself trying to manage everything, you feel that you're not taking care of anything properly. Recognizing that you can't do it all, and finding other solutions to getting things done will lessen the burden.

Family Meals

Ensuring everyone in the house is getting fed can be a challenge if you have to be with your parents for long periods of time or if you need to be with them during mealtimes. This can cause feelings of guilt because you are not at home caring for your family. Completing caregiving tasks may make it difficult for you to get your own errands, such as grocery shopping, done. Sharing tasks and establishing routines will lessen your responsibilities and reduce your stress.

TIPS FOR MEAL PREPARATION

• Prepare meals for the week in advance and freeze.
• Try commercially prepared frozen meals.
• Find out if there are companies in your area that offer fresh, prepared meals requiring limited cooking time.
• Have a running grocery list posted to which everyone in the household can add items.
• Order groceries online.
• Ask other family members to help with shopping and meal preparation.
• Combine shopping trips with your parents' errands.
• Have older children do the grocery shopping.
• Encourage kids to help make meals for the family or selves.
• Order take out periodically.
• Talk with partner about taking on more cooking responsibility.

When in crisis

• Have a service such as Meals on Wheels deliver to your home.
• Arrange for children to eat at a friend's or neighbour's house.

Housework

Maintaining a house is also stressful. You have to learn to let go of some of the expectations that things need to be perfect. Prioritize the housework and decide where to focus your energy. Don't feel guilty if you decide to hire outside help.

Balancing Caregiving and Work Life

Another difficult aspect of caregiving is trying to keep up with the demands of your job, especially when caregiving in itself seems to be a full-time job! Depending on the stage of care you are at with your parents, you can investigate various workplace options to reduce the pressure. Only you can determine at what point you should have a discussion with your supervisor about your situation. If you're lucky, you have a work environment that can accommodate your situation so that you don't need to take extended leave time until your parents require you full time.

You may also want to take the opportunity to let your supervisor know how much information about your circumstances you would like them to share with your co-workers and how much should remain confidential.

An increasing number of companies are recognizing that outside stresses have an impact on an employee's ability to work productively. As the caregiving community grows, companies should acknowledge the need for change in the workplace to accommodate their employees who are also caregivers to aging parents. Over the past few years, many workplaces have adapted to employees with children; similarly, employers should take into consideration the needs of employees who are caregivers to the elderly.

GETTING HELP AT WORK

• Investigate these work options:
• flexible working hours
• job sharing
• working from home
• temporary reduction of your workload
• adjusting work assignments for later deadlines.

Government Assistance

When the time comes that your parents require intensive care, you may want to consider taking an extended leave from work. Check with your supervisor or your human resource department to see if you have any benefits available to you through your company. You can also take a compassionate care leave that is offered through the federal government under the Employment Standards Act. It allows you to take a maximum of six weeks off work to provide care for a gravely ill family member. You can get more details and find out how to apply through the Services Canada website (see our Senior and Caregiver Resource Guide for contact information).

Employment standards vary across provinces so check with your provincial government or talk to human resources at your workplace. For example, in Ontario a family medical leave covers up to eight weeks' job-protected leave for the purpose of attending to a loved one who has become gravely ill or is dying. This leave is available even if you apply for federal compassionate care benefits. Manitoba also offers a family leave of up to eight weeks within a twenty-six-week period.

Another option is to find out whether you're eligible for any tax deductions due to your caregiver status. If you check the Canada Revenue Agency, you may find that you qualify for income tax benefits as a caregiver.

Excerpted from Our Turn to Parent by Barbara Dunn and Linda Scott Copyright © 2009 by Barbara Dunn and Linda Scott. Excerpted by permission of Random House Canada, a division of Random House of Canada Limited. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.