"Once you needed a studio to make you famous. Thanks to the Internet, anyone can be a celebrity," says Perez Hilton.

Tila Tequila, "Chocolate Rain's" Tay Zonday, Perez Hilton...Yes, even this self-proclaimed "Queen of all Media" has benefited enormously from today's global democratization of stardom.

"I'm not a celebrity. Not at all," Hilton demurely purred during a telephone interview with CTV.ca.

He's not a traditional journalist, either. But he has respect for "rules," says Hilton. "I have sources that I check out. I work hard. This job isn't easy."

True, no doubt. But something certainly went haywire in August of 2007 when Hilton "broke the news" that Fidel Castro died. What's one big goof-up against a zillion other gossip hits?

Now Hilton is the author of a new book - one he hopes will add new dimensions to his starry rise.

Filled with all the harpooning barbs Hilton's fans adore, "Red Carpet Suicide: A Survival Guide on Keeping Up with the Hiltons" is everything you'd expect from this gossip gangster. Paris, Britney, Lindsay - all the usual suspects still keep this "social observer" all aglow and glued to his laptop.

"I want people to know that I can pull a sentence together and that I'm witty," says Hilton, 30, the founder of perezhilton.com. "Writing a blog is a different art form. A book is something else. I feel I've a talent for both."

A great read? Certainly wannabe celebutantes who live for Perez won't be disappointed. But Tolstoy it's not, not even for tawdry Tinseltown.

In typical, star-obsessed fashion Hilton dedicates "Red Carpet Suicide" to trainwreck Britney Spears.

"I owe a lot to these girls, particularly Britney. She helped make my career," says Hilton, aka Mario Lavandeira, Jr.

"People think I'm being mean when I write about Britney. But if I didn't like Britney or Paris or Lindsay or Nicole I wouldn't be reporting on them," says Hilton. "Whether you like them or not they're stealing the limelight from big actors, music stars and athletes. That won't change in the foreseeable future."

Psycho celebs can be "Hiltons." So can you.

Hilton's eye-popping book offers a 12-step program to instant Hollywood fame, especially if you don't deserve it.

This Tinseltown tattler also christens a new term to bandy about the water cooler: the "Hilton."

It's a pithy compilation of traits that Hilton prizes for a fast Hollywood rise. As he says, "If you want to be fabulously famous just pick your 'Hilton' type and follow my plan."

Rule No. 1: "Hiltons can never be too skinny. Diet pills. Starvation. Whatever it takes, "The closer you come to risking your mortal life, the more secure your immortal fame," says Perez.

Rule No. 2: Get yourself some big, splashy DUIs. Hilton outlines his faves like "The Nicole." Drive the wrong way on a major highway.

The illuminating career tips don't stop there. From landing a star who dates down (George Clooney) to flashing that "vajayjay," "Red Carpet Suicide" lays it all out for aspiring "personalities" to claim their 15 minutes of fame.

"My book may seem trivial to some, especially today," says Hilton. "I turn on the news and see so many people losing their jobs. It's terribly worrying to me just like everyone else. I really hope President Obama can do something about it. But we need to laugh, now more than ever."

Now you're talking Perez.

"Red Carpet Suicide," does hold one meaningful revelation. It comes in a letter dedicated to Andy Warhol on the book's final page. Blueprinting his career on Warhol, Hilton thanks him for using his famed silk screens to create a place where all things lowbrow and tacky could flourish.

That endearing little insight might not seem like much. And it won't give back those minutes spent reading this fame manual. But it - and Hilton's gratitude to Warhol - redeems it. For one fleeting moment we remember what drives Hilton: A desire to help everyone feel like they're part of Hollywood's party.