Seeking solace on his father's farm in Nova Scotia, Deputy Conservative leader Peter MacKay says his heart and soul have been battered by the departure of former caucus mate Belinda Stronach.

In his first public comments since Stronach said she was leaving the Conservatives for a seat at the Liberal cabinet table, MacKay told reporters his heart has been "a little banged up" by events he had no inkling were in the pipeline.

"It tries your soul," he said.

A shadow of the fiery Deputy Conservative leader who typically commands attention on Parliament Hill, MacKay was much more subdued in comments at his family's fifth-generation farm in Lorne, N.S. Wednesday.

"I was completely surprised," he said of the decision that he's been unable to sleep since hearing late Monday night.

That was when Stronach, after meeting the prime minister at 24 Sussex Drive, informed Mackay of her decision to change her political stripe.

"She'd been troubled and had a lot on her mind, but I didn't see this coming."

MacKay retreated to Nova Scotia to "clear my head," he explained, and intends to return to Ottawa for the crucial budget vote on Thursday.

"I thought it was important to just reflect a little bit personally on things, and I came home to heal a bit and clear my head," he said, looking bleary-eyed.

"It tries the soul, there's no doubt about it," he said.

MacKay, 39, had many good wishes for Stronach, but also inserted some angry condemnation of her political actions.

"Never turn your back on your friends and your family and your colleagues like this," he said. "It's not the way you conduct yourself in an honourable fashion, I don't think."

Citing reservations about the leadership of Stephen Harper, and the Conservative Party's alignment with the Bloc Quebecois, Stronach publicly announced her decision to cross the floor on Tuesday morning.

Prime Minister Paul Martin welcomed her to the team by making her human resources minister with special responsibility for implementing recommendations from the Gomery inquiry into the sponsorship scandal.

Politically, Stronach's defection is seen as potentially damaging to the Conservatives in a number of ways, including:

• It drops their caucus size by one and boosts the Liberals;
• It happened on the eve of a vote that could have toppled the government;
• Stronach was a social moderate in a party with a reputation of being socially conservative; and
• Stronach was also an Ontario MP, which is where the Tories must make gains if they hope to form the next government.

But MacKay, who as Progressive Conservative leader worked with Stronach to engineer its merger with the Canadian Alliance, shrugged off the political impact of her move.

"It's a very minor setback in the grand scheme of things," he said.

MacKay did concede Stronach's defection reduces his party's chance of defeating the government anytime soon.

When asked if the week's politicking has left him feeling personally betrayed, he said, "It's more than that."

As to whether he and his high-profile romantic partner had broken up, MacKay said, "I haven't talked to her.

"But I want to leave the personal stuff aside. It's separate and I wish her and her kids, who I have a lot of affection for, and her family happiness."

Far from the man who told reporters last January he was "quite smitten" by Stronach, MacKay said Wednesday he's just looking to move on with his life.

"You pick yourself up again. You carry on. You do your job."

With files from CTV News and The Canadian Press