Plastic crimson handcuffs and boxer-shorts with lipstick prints are enough to put anyone off Valentine's Day for good.

Worse still, Valentine's Day shopping is a nightmare for any sane adult. Wilted supermarket flowers, creepy stuffed animals singing "Volare," and perfume sets past their expiration date. The options are dismal.

This year, we give you a head start with some of the best books to buy your beloved -- as well as ones to avoid (unless you want to savour them privately).

There's no Sylvia Plath poetry or Shakespeare sonnets on this list. Instead we recommend you treat your honey to "Vox," an erotic novel about phone sex made famous by Bill Clinton's tryst with Monica Lewinsky.

Or if you're at your wits' end with your new baby and have forgotten why you got married in the first place, try "Babyproofing Your Marriage" -- a guide to laugh more, argue less, and communicate better.

But unless you are trying to make a point about how much you detest Valentine's Day -- don't give your beloved the title that asks the profound question: "Should We Stay Together?"

And only if you are eager to take on the role of the crazy cat lady, restrain yourself from buying your partner "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Amazing Sex."

"Vox" by Nicholson Baker

What could be a saucier gift than Baker's erotic novel about phone sex, which was popularized by the Monica Lewinsky scandal.

"Vox" became famous after Kenneth Starr's controversial subpoena to gain access of Lewinsky's purchases from two Washington, D.C. bookstores.

He found that Lewinsky had purchased Bill Clinton the book "Vox," whereas the then-president gave the White House intern Walt Whitman's American classic "Leaves of Grass."

The book is written in the form of a long telephone conversation between two people who meet over a phone-sex call-in line.

Pair the book with a cigar and stay home.

"Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman's Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia" by Elizabeth Gilbert

No day is worse for the unhappy singleton than Valentine's Day. In this book, Gilbert offers singles a glimmer of hope.

She tells her story of self-discovery after she leaves behind an excruciating divorce, passionate affair, and debilitating depression.

Gilbert sets out on a journey of soul-searching that takes her to Italy, India, and the Indonesian island of Bali.

She finds that she doesn't have to accept the pathetic romance hand she was dealt. Rather, she can find love within herself.

Happiness, Gilbert comes to realize, "is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it."

"Babyproofing Your Marriage" by Stacie Cockrell, Cathy O'Neill, Julia Stone

Are you married with young children and at your wits' end?

Tired of the ten o'clock shoulder tap that is now considered foreplay? Wondering what happened to the man or woman you were once so happy to see at the end of the aisle?

The Babyproofers -- three women who wouldn't trade their roles as mothers for anything -- have your back. They know that with young children in the house, you not only need to put plastic covers over the outlets but take the necessary steps to safeguard you marriage.

Using stories from other parents and input from their own husbands, the Babyproofers will guide parents of young children around the rocky shores of those early parenting years.

If they can't help you wipe the mucous and slobber off the remnants of your love life, no one can.

"DSI: Dating Scene Investigation" by Ian Kerner

So there are self-help books that feel like a slap across the face. But this one is more like a subtle nudge.

Perfect for the boyfriend or girlfriend who won't commit -- author and therapist Ian Kerner's mission is to equip readers with the skills needed to survive the dating world.

Dating a guy who loves CSI but can't commit? Insert a bookmark at the page that details being FOCCed UP (Fear of Commitment Compounded by Underlying Pressures).

Friends with a woman who labours under the starry-eyed delusion that Mr. Somebody Else's will become Mr. Mine? Leave the book open at the chapter that discusses Mistress Madness.

Or -- if you just plain feel lonely on the worst day of the year for singles -- take comfort in reading reports that reveal interpersonal infractions, mating misdemeanors and flirtatious felonies.

"YOU SUCK: A Love Story" by Chris Moore

This bestselling novel by Moore reminds us that relationships are not all raindrops, roses, and kittens. Sometimes they bite.

In this book, 19-year-old Tommy wakes up after a fantastic night with his girlfriend Jody to find out that she's a vampire. And surprise, now so is Tommy.

Newly initiated into San Francisco's most alternative lifestyle, the couple-in-love must make it work. Everyone loves a couple who beat the odds to stay together.

"About Alice" by Calvin Trillin

More than five years after her death, New Yorker staff writer Calvin Trillin offers a posthumous love letter to his wife Alice.

Though it deals with his devastating loss, About Alice is also a love story that begins at a Manhattan party when Trillin tried his best to impress the young woman who "seemed to glow."

"You have never again been as funny as you were that night," Alice would say decades later.

"You mean I peaked in December of 1963?"

"I'm afraid so."

But he never stopped trying to win her over.

The dedication of the first book he published after her death read, "I wrote this for Alice. Actually, I wrote everything for Alice."

When the condolence letters began to trickle in after her death in 2001, Trillin writes that he received one from a young woman in New York.

She "wrote that she sometimes looked at her boyfriend and thought, 'But will he love me like Calvin loves Alice?' ''

BOOKS TO AVOID

"I Can't Believe I'm Still Single" by Eric Schaeffer

Misery loves company and Schaeffer is nothing if not miserable.

In this book, Schaeffer details his dating failures -- and they are many. He's tried speed dating, Yentas, blind dates, Internet dating. He's even dated actresses, models, lawyers, social workers, teachers, hookers, special massage girls, dominatrixes. And still nothing.

"I'm ready and have been for seven years now and I can't even meet someone I want to have a second date with let alone make my wife," he says on his blog.

He may want to rethink his dating strategy.

Read his exchange with a date on the touchy subject of child-rape and you'll see what I mean:

"So you're saying I'm not allowed to rape that," I said dryly but since I'm not the Antichrist, obviously joking.

"I understand what you're saying. I mean, the hot pants, halter top, and makeup do make her look thirty instead of thirteen," April said with a breeziness that boded extremely well for our chances, like-minded non-PC comic sensibilities being crucial . . . and a lack of sexual abuse in her past.

"But no. You're not allowed to rape that."

She passed the test . . . Or had she? I needed to be sure, so I burrowed softly.

"I mean, where's her father when she's getting into that outfit?" I said with earnest condemnation.

"Dressing her in it. After he's raped her." She wasn't joking. Serious trouble.

"Should We Stay Together?" by Jeffry H. Larson

If you're wondering whether you should stay together, I'll save you the trouble and the cash. No, you shouldn't.

Larson, who has some 20 years experience in family and marriage therapy, aims to help readers determine the potential long-term satisfaction of their current relationships based on a questionnaire.

While this is arguably one of the worst books to get your love bunny on Valentine's Day, it's also a quick way of getting the point across to someone you can't throw out of bed.

"The Complete Idiot's Guide to Amazing Sex" by Sari Locker

This one's a no-brainer. Any books with the words "idiot" and "sex" in the title are about as sensitive as Dr. Phil trying to rehabilitate a crack-addicted prostitute on television.

If you must buy this one, turn it backwards in your bookcase. And should it ever find itself in the hands of your loved one -- make sure you deny, deny, deny that you bought it. It's a lose-lose situation.

"Bridges of Madison County" by Robert James Waller

Unless you're a middle-aged farmer's wife who once found brief love with a photographer, this book is not for you.

Either you're making the point you've had an affair, or you wish you had.

Stay safe and don't invite discussion about your past indiscretions. Making up after a rowdy round of finger-pointing is only fun in the movies.

"Why Men Love Bitches" by Sherry Argov

Argov, a comedian and radio show host, says she's written "Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl" to help women hold their own in a relationship.

Sure, she knows it works, and we do too, but it's not something you want to advertise to your partner.

It's like revealing all the cards in your hand before you even sit down to play.

Bad tactical move.

So unless you want to send your Valentine's date running, do yourself a favour and keep this book hidden in your naughty drawer.